Dear Sugis,

On Tuesday, I attended a discussion titled "Sexuality and the South Asian Identity".

It was a cozy setting at the UCSD's women's center, and the discussion that followed was just as intimate as the setting.

I saw short scenes of two Bollywood films:

1. A mainstream film about two men pretending to be gay so as to get closer to a woman they both like.

2. An indie film about the realistic depiction of the lives of two lesbian women who struggle with the problems of being homosexual in their conservative society.

Film 1 was a big hit; Film 2 was banned.

This made me realize how homosexuality (and other 'deviant' sexualities) is still not accepted in South Asia (like India among other countries). A realistic portrayal of homosexuality is rejected from reaching mainstream media - an indication of the government's stand and attempt at upholding the current situation where heterosexual relations are the norm. On the other hand, what is accepted is a film where firstly, the two main actors are merely pretending to be gay, and secondly, another actor who plays a 'real' homosexual portrays a negative image of homosexual men, living up to common stereotypes of the gay man as being 'overly sexual'* and perverse. This character is also a joke, in contrast to the realistic and serious character development in film 2. He has a comic role, with unnaturally exaggerated and perverted expressions and actions.

Also, there was a scene in the film where the two stereotypically 'masculine' hunky actors who were pretending to be gay were having a discussion on how to successfully come across as gay. They concluded you had to "act like a woman" to be gay. This is another inaccurate stereotype many societies have of gay men.

Actually, it's no wonder than that "gayness" and "femininity" are always conflated; Both are groups in society that face discrimination. My professor (Professor Leong Wai Teng at NUS) once told us how hatred of gay men can may be related to misogyny (hatred of women).

This idea of hating gay men for being like women seems to be supported in cultures where the gay men that is penetrated in sex (the passive/ receiver), and not the so much the penetrator (the active/ giver), is discriminated against and unaccepted. In fact, I believe in some cultures, men who claim to be heterosexual engage in sex with men, but only as the penetrators. To them, that is still being 'male'. (But of course, they'd never think of themselves as gay.)

During the discussion, some of the people present shared their coming out (making known their non-heterosexual) stories.

For one of them, her family wanted to take away from her opportunity to study abroad and keep her home after she came out. They said "You can be gay or heterosexual, but being bi-sexual is immoral". I do not get the logic of this, I must say.

Another story I heard recently of a girl who came out to her family: The entire family staged a scenario where her mother had been brought to hospital due to some shock related problem after finding out about her daughter's sexuality. The father drove her to the hospital, and they left her in the car for hours and told her the mother did not want to see her.

It made me think about how people of 'deviant' sexuality really face a different reality than I do. Being discriminated by society is one thing, but I reckon not being accepted by by one's own family hurts the most.

I am privileged to never have to feel rejected by family. I only wish less people experience such pain, especially for their sexuality, something so important and personal to each person. Also something which they cannot change. I'm sure knowing the hardship many individuals face from their society/ religion/ family for not being heterosexual, if people could choose, many may choose the 'normal' road. I did not choose to be heterosexual, I guess the same way queer people did not choose to be the way they are. Acceptance seems to be a universal human need; And it should start with the family.